Thursday,Â JulyÂ 27,Â 1972
Local Monster Might Need Good Attorney
Cairo Evening Citizen
If the monster supposedly spotted in Missouri and Illinois. ever comes out of hiding, he’d better bring a good lawyer-the IRS wants to chat.
And when the Internal Revenue Service is through, the Selective Service Administration and the Bureau of Immigration and Naturalization are waiting.
For the past several days persons near Louisiana, Mo., have reported seeing something hairy, smelly and more than seven feet tall.
Tuesday, Randy Emert, 18, of Peoria said he’d seen it, and Wednesday a jogger in Cairo, reported a sighting.
Some contend the creature comes from outer space.
Maybe, but it would still have to pay taxes says Thomas Hayes of Chicago IRS office.
â€œTechnicallyâ€¦if it earned income while resident in the United States,â€ it would have to file a tax return, said Hayes. Failure to file would mean a fine or imprisonment, he said. If Whatever-It-Is is between 18 and 35 years old, Uncle Sam wants it, as spokesman for the Chicago Selective Service office said.
Hairy and smelly it may be, but if itâ€™s a resident alien-alien from where doesnâ€™t matter-it must register for the draft, the spokesman said.
Alien from where is what troubles the Bureau of Naturalization and Immigration, says a spokesman for the directorâ€™s office. Every January 1, every alien must file both his old address and his present one-if he doesnâ€™t, heâ€™s subject to $100 fine and deportation, the spokesman said.
However, itâ€™s â€œentitled to due process and the full protection of the Constitution,â€ the office said.
Deportation, if it came to that, might pose a problem with an interstellar alien.
â€œWeâ€™d have to get together with NASA,” the spokesman mused. â€œOur budget is only $143 million and Iâ€™m not sure we could afford the fare.â€
On the local government level, Cairo Police Commissioner James Dale has announced his policy toward the alien. He said Wednesday heâ€™s going to make anyone seeing it submit to a breathalizer test for alcohol content.